Poppy and Robin are getting married.

april 8th 2010
it started out as a bet.

may 10th 2011
Poppy is spending every free minute on choosing the design of the invitations.

december 2nd 2012
we barely meet although i feel sorry to cheat on him. so i usually don't. sidenote: still not married.

january 26th 2013
las vegas
i got married. to jimmy kimmel.

january 17th 2014
boston
had my coronation.

This time, baby, I’ll be bulletproof.
I’ve been dealing with everything else except for my CS stuff. And by stuff I mean the fact that I still haven’t fixed things with Tim.

It has been legally OK for me to have him back for almost a year now. It’s time that I dismiss Genneth, who I never see, anyways, and make Tim the royal guard of Penelope the queen.

I mean, at least it’s gonna make me believe that someone IS behind my back and keeping their eye on me.

And as I said, this time I
I’ll be bulletproof. So, That shouldn’t become a problem…

Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

No more mourning, no more mourning, no more mourning over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

No more crying, no more crying, no more crying over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

There’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’ over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in a my grave
And go home to my love and be free

Them doing their best trying to keep me, well, alive, but also away from panic.

And me being not able to help but to panic.

Although my panic doesn’t look like one would expect…

It’s the joy in my eyes that gives me away. That’s how they can tell.

cardinal Waltz

January 5th 2013

"after all, dr phil is generally nothing new to me.
he is a psychologist, a highly trained professional and definitely gives to my life something i would need.
opposed to dr Nathan Conrad, who is a psychiatrist and with whom i’ve never been in absolutely any kind of physical contact, dr phil hugs me
quite often, stands behind my back and has his arm on my back or my hand in his.
his methods are softer and warm, he tries more to understand and shows some empathy.

but in general, he is just another man to follow me around, just another one to make sure i have as little time all alone as possible.
before i had dr phil in my life, i had genneth, who is my criminal supervisor at the moment. i still have him, and it’s more that
i have dr phil when i dont have genneth. genneth is in his working life a traffic psychologist, whitch connects him, a psychologist, to COS.
never before had i had a cs with mental welfare background. and now i have, in addittion to genneth, a true psycologist councelling me
through all time.

it’s their job to understand and be helpful.

dr Nathan Conrad is not obliged to understand. he has to do his job. he has my brain.

dr phil has my eyes and arms-

i do have a feeling, that he might be actually the one who is gonna sit down with me and see my videos of Denny and me.
and i wouldn’t be suprised if he got me that far that i took him to my new york condo.
nobody has been there after they gave it to me, except for me.


he has a wife. but he has spent his nights with me ever since he applied for this position in my life.
and i feel awfully quilty for that but i also appreciate it very much. and i know that this is what i actually need.
he stays with me until i fall asleep. whitch just does not happen easily. we have already discussed it, i don’t usually sleep
because i can’t find the comfort in falling asleep while im all alone. that brings me the problems with my health, physical and mental,
and weed, and booze. i have offered him that he leave because i could eaily and also quite logically have my cs do that duty of
staying up beside me all night long, that’s what has also been going on in the past. but he won’t agree to it just because he sees it
as a better option for me. he says he doesn’t want to cut the line every night and start from the beginning every morning.
i guess he must be right, this method won’t let him disconnect from my mind, which is useful for the both of us.

—-

i have margus jaanovits now as my current shrink simply because he residated in LA as opposed to Boston-based dr Nathan Conrad.
though I also could have dr Phil, who is at all times in LA, i prefer Margus, since whenever i come across him, i get a feeling from him
as if he had been just waiting for his pal- me - to arrive. he introduces me into the situation and is totally down to earth.
and sometimes asks about my paranoias. it’s totally ok.”

Suprisingly many confessions made a year ago…

But than god those times are over and that the skies have cleared.

January 5th 2013

"me and Shannon ocupied the basement kitchen of the headquaters.

we were about to bake a nice apple pie. because a)that’s one of the few things we enjoy doing of those that can be done at the headquaters and
b) who wouldn’t like an apple pie.

shannon asked me if i had had no companion with me that day. i said that i had had genneth and dr phil and that they’d most probably join me
as soon as they find me, to what shannon replied that then he’d better be leaving. i said he can do it on no account because i had spent
so much time with those two that i seriously felt i was going crazy, they just wouldn’t stop questioning me.

if they come, they come. it’s not like we didn’t have enough pie.

the kitchen had almost turned into a winter wonderland with two snowmen chasing each other. there was barely any flour left for the pie.
they cleaned up.
and right then was it that the door opened and dr phil was there. he asked if he could join. we couldn’t mind.

the apples fell onto the pie and into the oven it went!

genneth opened the door and stepped in. he offered his hand to dr phil, said his welcomes to shannon and smiled to penelope.he was welcome,
any time for penelope.he joined the table.

the pie started turning golden. shannon wanted to take it out. penelope thought it could use another minute in the oven.

the three men managed to stay calm. ofcourse they did. two of them were shrinks and the third one was penelopes best friend and that was a
reason good enough to keep his mouth shut. and soon the pie made it easier by filling the mouths.

the flour had disapperaed from their clothes and hair. shannon acidentally (or not) hummed a tune, which made poppy imediately turn to him, they
looked at each oher with burning eyes for a glance, apologised and sped out the door. the ones who remained in the room could hear
running motions fading away, some violent smashes and hysteric laughter.

penelope and shannon returned to three gourmet finers. when they stepped in with all their dignity, they saw, that kirss and joined
the two men. at first penelope stumbled at the doorstep but soon, after seeing the encouraging glance in his eyes, went to hug kirss.

half of the cake was gone.

penelope got a call. they were about to get some more company. and not to long after, James arrived. he shook hands with the men.
shannon greeted him as if he was his dad. james hugged penelope.

they all sat at the counter. the cake was dissapearing.

and suddenly, all penelope could think about was every single man was observing the connections and links of her with every other one of them.
she started to feel a little and then a little more uncomfortable.

thank god, the cake was done.

WETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT, WE ARE ALL MIDNIGHTERS.

and all penelope could think of from there on was the possibility of her and shannon finding a supervision-free corner with precious
smoky friend.

and then, out of nowhere, Robin appears. he kisses penelope on her lips, says goodnight to everyone in the room, puts his arm around penelope and,
after getting the permittion, takes her home.”

I could never be that calm in such companion now…

January 6th 2013

"nobody knows how she does that. she can fool around and constantly get into trouble and yet still people,
whoever they are and whatever relationship they have with penelope, look up to her and see a true queen.
and they act appropriately as if she had never really got down to the communication and relationship levels she has.

i am really happy that im never gonna get any in-laws with my marriage to robin since we dont have such thing in this organisation.
the closest thing would be the groups which basically are our families, but that would mean i would marry into my own family, twice
(853 and the GOLD) which would look really bad.
so, im glad to never have any in-laws.”

Everything has changed so much.

The thoughts were written 11 days before I met Jimmy, 20 days before I got married to Jimmy. What am I?

Pain is always new to the sufferer, but loses its originality for those around him.

Dr. Nathan Conrad’s tactics included not chasing after me.
Dr. Oliver Thredson is different. He will get me. Anywhere, anytime.

And I have no strenght, no reason or no desire to push him away…

Dr. Nathan Conrad’s tactics included not chasing after me.

Dr. Oliver Thredson is different. He will get me. Anywhere, anytime.

And I have no strenght, no reason or no desire to push him away…

I feel I’ve reached yet another dead end. I need to start fresh. I must turn a new page. I need to clear the grounds.

Dr. Oliver Thredson

my new psychiatrist

He practises the old school psychiatry and methods. That’s okay with me. I feel that since these methods have been successful with other higher heads in the past, back in the days where those methods were the only way, they must be good for me.

He’ll know. He’ll do his best. He’ll take me, and my mind under his care.

I will retire with the ring. And I will retire with the crown.

JANUARY THE 17TH, 2014

THE CORONATION

I WAS 20 AND EVERYTHING WAS SO SO MESSED UP AND NOW WHEN I LOOK BACK, I’M SUPRISED I’M ALIVE. WHAT MADE ME STAY ALIVE?

You can tell by the way she walks
That she’s my girl.
You can tell by the way
She talks she woos the world.
You can see in her eyes
That no one is her change
She’s my girl,
My supergirl.

And then she’d say:
“It’s OK, I got lost on the way
But I’m a super girl
And super girls don’t cry”
And then she’d say:
“It’s alright, I got home
Late last night
But I’m a supergirl
And supergirls just fly”.

And then she’d say
That nothing can go wrong
When you’re in love
What can be wrong?
And then she’d laugh
The night time into day
Pushing her fear
Further alone

And then she’d say:
“It’s OK, I got lost on the way
But I’m a supergirl
And supergirls don’t cry”
And then she’d say:
“It’s alright, I got home
Late last night
But I’m a supergirl
And supergirls just fly”.

And then she’d shout
Down the line
Tell me she’s got no more time
Cause she’s a supergirl
And supergirls don’t cry

And then she’d scream
In my face
Tell me to leave,
Leave this place
Cause she’s a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

Yeah she’s a supergirl,
A supergirl.
She’s so in seeds
She’s burning trees
She’s so in seeds
She’s burning streams
Yeah she’s a supergirl
A supergirl
A supergirl
My supergirl.

I REMEMBER BEING 20

A voice from inside
Oh no, no
Is telling her lies
Oh no, no
Her dreams come crashing down
Like a burning sky at night
No longer a child
You are the one
You can’t deny
What you have become
It can’t hurt you
But it can eat you up inside

She said sometimes
You’re asking yourself why
You feel you can’t get by
You feel you’re crawling on your knees


And now you stand up
And look them straight in the eyes
You ‘re not believing their lies
Your taking it straight from the heart
It’s time for a new start
Time for a new start
Cause if it’s not love well
It’s not enough
You deserve more yeah
More than what you’ve got
Inside a voice is screaming
Get off your knees
Get up

She screams
Sometimes
Sometimes their lies are their disguise
Sometimes the beautiful will cry
You’re reaching inside
And now you’re floating like a breeze
And saying goodbye

my babies, waiting for me at the cirque
and I’m not there. I’ve not been there for a good while now
and Lance is not fucking me
I can’t have him fuck me
but I want that life back
Brahms - Symphony no3 - Poco Allegretto
the life of ours
the feelings
the frustration
the pain
the quilt
the strenght
the support
the harmony

Brahms - Symphony no3 - Poco Allegretto

the life of ours

the feelings

the frustration

the pain

the quilt

the strenght

the support

the harmony